Sleep in the path of 邪道

Originally written in 02/10/2022

Living in deep frustration.
I should have been in part-time paradise by August, but having to "tie up loose ends" has extended this agony up to late October. When I get home, looking at my schedule is enough to feed a flame of demoralization and I submit to inertia. Barely clinging to past gains is the most I can manage.

I have gone beyond the "just focus on the money -- another day wasted" cycle of my first full-time stint. I get out of work wishing tomorrow doesn't come but still go to bed early -- going to bed late means the following day will be even more miserable. The longer this inertia extends, the more restless I feel and the harder it gets to fall asleep.

There's nothing quite like laying in bed trying to fall asleep and all I hear is my heart beating at a rate I'd get from a nice jog. Strengthening my scorn for what the next day will bring as well as the wish to avoid it at all costs, doubly reinforcing the fact that there's plenty I wanted to -- should have done! -- but didn't, and wrapping it all together in the realization that tomorrow too, I won't be doing what I should.

And so, to avoid further damaging my body by depending on sleep aids, I make use of one of many 「Sealed Techniques」 developed over many years, lowering them to the ignoble purpose of slowing my heart rate.

It works. The heart rate goes down. Then the subconscious strikes again with the dread of a suffering of my own creation. After enough cycles, sleep at last, only to wake up two hours before the alarm clock rings. My subconscious dreads the next day as much as it dreads getting up late, so the lingering doubt about whether or not the alarm clock will work, or be effective enough at waking me up, make for a five-hour sleep. So much for avoiding physical damage! So I try and stay in bed until the alarm clock rings, but I can't fall back asleep because my subconscious knows a two hour nap is not replenishing enough, but can't do basic math like 5+2.

Finally, the alarm clock rings and I turn it off. What happens next? Why of course, my body becomes heavy and sluggish and all the drowsiness I should have had crushes me all at once, making the start of the day even worse than it should have been. "The following day will be even more miserable" - an unavoidable prophecy. Day after day after day after day after day, until my body breaks down because my mind simply won't.

Have a nice Sunday, everyone!

Click either to return to:
Home page | Life&Times