We join Michael Cole and some guy at ringside, for the granddaddy of all gimmick 「Premium Live Events」 that sets us on a two month, predictable one track course towards the season finale that is Wrestlemania. But this superstar team would not be complete without one man... Pat McFee.

The match starts with Gunther and Sheamus. They're not Cody Rhodes so neither will win. Number 3 is the Miz who tries to be smart and gets his comeuppance in the form of stiff chops to the chest. Nice how they told a simple but effective story in little over a minute, but the hijinks are interrupted by entrant #4.

Back in the first The Sims, there was an expansion pack called livin' it up. It introduced new furniture, social options and even the ability to throw parties. If your party sucked, the game was kind enough to inform you by spawning a mime. In the WWE, that's been the New Day's job for almost a decade.

It gets worse with #5: a dimeless loser who's been built up as more than a jobber (henceforth jobber #5). Despite the similarities, it's Cody Rhodes who will win the rumble.

Miz is eliminated and in his stead we get another new day stooge: the guy who's not Big E. After knocking everyone out but eliminating no-one, both him and Kofi further insult the viewers by teasing a fight. We get something even worse as they lock up and slap each other's butts. Off comes Karrion Kross to try to add presence in a ring with 3 jobbers and 2 upper midcarders. He's just tall enough for the job. Too bad entry #8 is Chad Gable.

Remember how they said he'd be the break-out star of American Alpha? Well they were right, considering the other guy broke his neck. He's even shorter than jobber #5. Gable goes and has an amateur wrestling bout with the New Day guy but the camera mercifully cuts to Gunther and Sheamus. Even better, entry #9 is Drew "Underutilized" McIntyre, injecting some much needed star power back into the match.

McIntyre eliminates Kross and teams with Sheamus. Escobar enters at #10 and entry #11 is Dawkins. Gunther then does us all a favor and eliminates the New Day guys. To top it off, Kofi apparently botches his usual Royal Rumble ring return spot. The commenters try to make us care about Kofi, but immediately lose focus to entrant #12, because Brock Lesnar is more important than some never-was. He eliminates Escobar, does away with Dawkins and rids us of Gable. The good news continue with Lashley entering at #13.

Lashley eliminates Lesnar, prompting Lesnar to throw a fit, damaging the set and making a ragdoll out of entry #14, Happy Corbin. Too bad that couldn't have been entry 15: the other shield guy, who's not been entertaining in 8 years.

Entry 16 is Otis and 17 is Rey Mysterio, except it's his son, "Ex-con" Dominik that comes out. He's been great. Unlike all the other jobbers, he owns the fact he doesn't belong.

Sheamus and Drew have been rather entertaining but neither is Cody Rhodes so they won't win. Entry #20 is Finn Balor who I take consolation in the fact he's not named Cody Rhodes. He breaks credibility by trying to take out Drew, but then does everyone a favor by eliminating jobber #5. How conflicting.

Next comes Booker T! Too bad he's so broken down. You can tell by his stride that his knees have seen better days. He's thrown out in short notice.

Damien Priest enters at #22. Montez Ford comes and goes at #23. Entry 24 is yet another Edge return and I'm done pretending I care. He eliminates Priest and Balor, who then eliminate him. They brawl on the outside and suddenly I find myself caring. Rhea Ripley comes out and I care a lot about that. Beth Phoenix runs in and my interest runs out.

Austin Theory, who's got a banger of an entrance song, is #25. Omos enters at #26 to make things interesting but then Strowman enters at #27. At least you can't say none of the guys in the ring don't have any presence. Oh wait, the other shield guy is still here. I forgot he was still in it. Why did it have to be Dean Ambrose to retire? Richochet enters at #28. The bad news keep piling up with Gunther eliminating Sheamus and McIntyre.

But there's 「good news」! It's 「Social Media」「Influencer」 superstar, Rogan Paul! Now there is the 「Star Power」 that this 「Premium Live Event」 so desperately needed! You can hear the crowd going nuts for this 「epic return」. Pat McFee, industry colleague, is sure to let us know that people might not love him but they sure should respect him. He gets beat up by everyone but no-one cares to throw him over the top rope.

But now's finally the hour. You count down to zero. It's time. The buzzer rings and you hear the words:

"Wrestling has more than one royal family"

If you think Rogan Paul's 「epic return」 could not have been topped, here comes 「The American Nightmare」, Cody Rhodes, on his way to the ring, to earn his birthright. His father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead. I haven't heard this big a pop for a face since Triple HHH!

Gotta love the Codester. American Nightmare, baby! — Jesus, the roof almost came off the damn joint!

The agility of an articulate doll with arthritis. The jerky movements of a 90s 3D videogame character. The overproduced ascention to the top. The neck tattoo. Cody Rhodes, whose father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead, destroys everyone in his path. He gets the pop of the night by eliminating Dominik Mysterio, the poster child of nepotism.

Speaking of nepotism, Rogan Paul shares a high-flying manurever with Ricochet that has no buildup and no payoff, sending the crowd into complete pandemonium. In the distance, the flag of Israel could be seen.

Eliminations come one after the other. Then the blandest rivalry of 2022 is revived as the other shield guy and Cody Rhodes, whose father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead, duke it out. Rogan throws the other shield guy over the top rope and soon joins him. We're left with Gunther and Cody Rhodes, whose father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead.

"Cody Rhodes, whose father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead, is in big trouble now, John!"

Dyed hair vs crew cut. The fakest smile I've ever seen vs permanent scowl. Neck tattoo vs really weird body proportions. Platform shoes vs wrestling boots. The natural lower midcard heel getting pushed as the top babyface of the promotion against the guy who really needs to train his shoulders if he wants to be taken seriously. Who will win?

The answer was obvious.

After teasing for 10 minutes that the inevitable wouldn't happen, Cody Rhodes, whose father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead, stands tall. But 「what a great performance」 by Gunther! He entered as #1 and set the all-time record for longest time in the Royal Rumble! That's something everyone cares about :-)

And so, Roman Reigns, the tribal chief, reigning, defending, undisputed WWE champion, will put the title on the line at wrestlemania against the guy of average size, average speed, average quickness, average looks, average intelligence, average carpentry skills and a dead dad, who managed to parlay all that into a wrestling career.

In a way, it's kind of inspirational how he achieved this. He's completely out of his element and it's really bad TV, but he played the hand he was given with the impeccable timing of a seasoned poker player. On a certain level, it can be said that he deserves it.

「FROM UNDESIRABLE TO UNDENIABLE」™

They did it. WWE learned from all the mistakes I listed in the Roman Reigns page. Cody Rhodes, whose father is Dusty Rhodes, who is dead, built the right place and waited for the right time, playing his cards with the cunning of a seasoned poker player. If nothing else, this is an inspirational tale of resilience. Belief in oneself can really get you far in life. This is not a "fake it 'till you make it" deal. I'm skeptical he ever believed he was faking it. He worked pretty damn hard to get his opportunity.
Go get that 「wrestlemania moment」, Cody! You're the most undeserving guy to deserve it!

The road to wrestlemania begins here

Royal Rumble 2023

"Wrestling has more than one royal family"

「FROM UNDESIRABLE TO UNDENIABLE」™